Disclaimer: This might feel like a rambling stream of consciousness, so I won't be offended if you don't make it through. :)
I feel like the Lord has been doing a lot in my own "kardia" lately. Things I have been mulling over for a week or so...though this isn't the first time. I'm just revisiting. I do this from time to time.
Here's the thing. Never do I tire of being a mother. I love it! I feel so blessed to be the mother of my three wonderfully imperfect children. Never does my heart stray from this deep love...and never very far from an overwhelming gratitude. Since sometime in my late teens or early twenties, the longing of my heart was to be a wife and mom.
It's the mothering that sometimes wears me out. Maybe "wears me down" would be more accurate. "Mommy burnout" is what a friend aptly called it once. The endless dishes and mountains of laundry. The incessant spills. The bonks and bruises of clumsy kids. The tattling and bullying and pestering of siblings. The can't-keep-it-clean-for-more-than-a-minute reality. The monotony of instructions, corrections and conversations repeated over and over and over. (Will they ever get it??)
I have a pretty laid back personality, but once my feathers are ruffled, self-control can sometimes just fly away from me. Have you ever read that Dr. Seuss book "Are You My Mother?" Lately, I've found myself being impatient with the kids and raising my voice. More than normal. (Not that it should ever be normal.) More than I should. (Not that I ever should.) I keep thinking that they should look at me and ask, "Are you my mother?" But they know. They know I'm sinful. They know I struggle with the very things they struggle with. The very things I'm trying to steer them away from in their own hearts, thoughts, words and actions. They know I'm not perfect. I'm not fooling them, that's for sure.
The redeeming thing in all of this is that I have had lots of opportunities to practice humility lately. I've had lots of opportunities to apologize and to ask for forgiveness - from my kids, from my Father. I've been asking my self, "Will I ever get it??"
And I will. One day, when the world is made new, I will no longer struggle through these things. Until then, I can be confident of this: That He who began a good work in me will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil. 1:6) I can pray. I can ask the Holy Spirit to fill me. Again. I can surrender to Him rather than just trying harder in my own strength. Again. So simple...yet so difficult. And I can look forward to the day when these words from Revelation 22:20 are fulfilled: "'Yes, I am coming soon.' Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!"